Skip to Content

Chat with Ruthie How I survived Divorce

Chat with Ruthie How I survived Divorce

 

I’ve thought about writing this post for awhile…  several months actually.  It’s not a fun thing to write about BUT, I’ve been asked by several different people to share about SO, here we go!

 

It doesn’t super matter what the circumstances are that cause a divorce (there’s always two sides to every story) each person involved is going to go through some pretty tough times.  I’m writing this in hopes that it may help somebody out there that’s struggling with surviving a divorce and give a few ideas on how I survived it.

I was married for 11 years to my kids dad and never in a million years did I think I would have ended up divorced.  Sure, we had good and some bad times- just like everyone else.  BUT, I was pretty much blown away by what went down and it was honestly a daily trial to even get out of bed.  I’ve haven’t truly struggled with depression but I can honestly say I came pretty close.  Were it not for my family and good friends… I’m not sure I what I would have done. SO, my first suggestion is to let your self reach out for help and receive support from those closest to you.  We all need each other and I promise at some point in the future you will give give back.

My oldest daughter was 9 at the time and I had three little kids who honestly saved my life.  It’s because of them and knowing that they needed a mom, that I was able to get out of bed and function everyday.   It’s really hard at first but after reality sets in and the shock wears off- you realize that life will be okay again some day!  That you’ll survive and your kids will survive and piece by piece you can put life back together.

Chat with Ruthie...How I survived divorce by whatscookingwithruthie.com

It’s funny that the hardest times for me were the quite, boring, daily task things— like showering or mowing the lawn or driving in the car.

I came up with a list of “Theme” songs to blare during those times when my mind would wander and I felt like the world was caving in.   I’ve grown to love these songs and I’ve burned many CD’s and shared them with good friends and family that have since gone through divorce too.  I must admit a lot of these songs apply to gal’s cuz, I’m a chic 🙂

 

Here’s my playlist of Theme Songs:

~ Fighter by Christina Aguilera

~Don’t Worry ‘Bout a Thing by SheDaisy

~Beauty from Pain by Superchick

~Family Tree by Cherie Call

~Stand in the Rain by Superchick

~Free to Be Me by Francesca Battistelli

~Stronger Woman by Jewel

~The Whole Shebang by SheDaisy

~Holding On by Cherie Call

~Bowling Ball by Superchick

~Had a Bad Day by Daniel Powter

~Faith to Find the Answers by Cherie Call

~Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift

 

Anyway, you get the idea… compile a play list of songs that speak to you and will help you through those times when you just need a little lift.

 

Going through a divorce forces you to look at yourself and get ‘real’ with life in a way you’ve never had to before. Even though it sucks– A LOT!  In the end it’s a refiners fire that can ultimately help you become a better, more understanding and compassionate person. (your kids too)  There’s a really good workbook to help out with this process it’s called The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook , I used it and went through each page and even though it took a little while- I learned a lot about myself and how to  recover from what I’d been through.  I’d really recommend it if you’re newly divorced or even still struggling with stuff from years back… it’s so helpful!

Don’t be afraid to see a counselor… if you’re just not doing well then find someone good to help you through this process.  I’d try and get a referral for a good counselor either from a friend or family or clergy at your church.  If you go a couple of times and it’s just not a fit just try someone else.  There are some really good counselors out there that are trained and have the skills to help people through life changes like a divorce.

 

If you have kids, like I do, then their well being is so important and it’s really vital that the communication stay open with each child.  Kids are all different and deal with change and loss in different ways.  I believe the most important thing you can do for them is to keep the divorce issues/fighting away from them.  Let them know that both their mom and dad loves them very much and the divorce is not their fault.  But, I don’t find it appropriate to share details of the divorce with them or let them over hear you talking with someone else about it.  To this day my kids DO NOT know why their dad and I divorced, we felt it was better for them to be raised and co-parented (which is another whole subject) without having to deal with feelings of who did what right or wrong.  Maybe someday if the need arises we’ll have that discussion?!

There’s a really good book that helps young kids right on their level and it’s called Dinosaurs Divorce (Dino life guides for families), Dinosaurs Divorce Will Help you Understand: * Divorce Words and What They Mean * Why Parents Divorce * What About You? * After the Divorce * Living with One Parent * Visiting Your Parent * Having Two Homes * Celebrating Holidays and Special Occasions * Telling Your Friends * Meeting Parents’ New Friends * Living with Stepparents * Having Stepsisters and Stepbrothers.  I think I read this book to my son almost every night for at least a year and then through out his younger years, he was only 3 1/2 years old when we divorced and he didn’t understand at all what was happening, this book helped him understand at his level so much better than I could.

Another thing to remember is that kids grieve in stages… it’s like, as their brain matures and their ability to understand increases- they grieve again.  It’s important to let them go through this process over a period of years and love and support them through it.  Divorce will always be a loss to everyone involved, it never goes away… there’s always a part of you that wishes it would have been different and I believe that’s totally normal!  Give yourself and your kids the time to move through it and reassure them that they’re safe, and loved, and that everything will be just fine.

Chat with Ruthie...How I survived divorce by whatscookingwithruthie.com

 

It’s honestly NEVER green on the other side!  You’re just trading one set of problems for another so if you’re sitting on the fence wondering about getting a divorce, I’d recommend that you give it everything you can and try in every way to work things out with your spouce.  If it can’t be worked out or there is some form of abuse happening and divorcing is the only option, then take the time to get yourself and your kids in a healthy and stable place before jumping into another relationship.  Not many people know this about me BUT I’ve actually been divorced twice! YAH…  think it sucks the first time, it really sucks a secon.!  (I highly recommend that you don’t date long distance- anyone can be anything they want a few days a month).  That is also a chat for another day.

 

I really hope some of this information is helpful for anyone who’s going through a divorce or it may give ideas of how to help someone you know survive a divorce!

My heart goes out in either case and I truly hope the best for anyone in this situation… just remember that life will get back to a new “normal” and some how things will end up just fine!

Love,

Ruthie

 

  1. Amanda Fruge says:

    Thanks for talking about it. I was married 13 years before my husband left me. I have two beautiful children and they were my life line as well. I couldnt stop working, maintaining, going forward, because it wasnt just for me, it’s all for them. Its a good point that the kids will continue to grieve and at times may seem to be feeling it fresh again as they understand more. I feel this way in my own grieving process. There are days I know I’m going to be ok, and other days that the sadness and disappointment overwhelms me. My wounds are fresh and I know it will be a while. It’s encouraging to see someone who’s made it farther than I have and is going strong. 🙂

    • Ruth says:

      Dear Amanda… my heart goes out to you! I’m so sorry your going through post divorce junk. It’s no fun and it is a process but just try to take it one day at a time! I remember going through the up’s and down’s too and it’s OK, just love yourself through whatever kind of day it is. The bad ones will begin to spread themselves out and a new life will begin to emerge. That workbook is really good and I’d highly recommend it, it was super helpful to me. Hang in there because one of these days you’ll look back and realize that you’re a better person and better off for having gone through it. Thank You for the kind comment and for sharing… love from across the net! xoxoxo Ruthie

  2. I’m not divorced and not planning to be, but I still liked your post. Several things you said have great applications to other life changing experiences. I love your positive attitude and I think it’s great that you are sharing that with the world.

    • Ruth says:

      Thanks for the comment, Linda! Life is sure interesting sometimes and I’m sure a lot of the things I found helpful are applicable to lots of other life experiences too… it’s kinda scary to share but I really hope by sharing it- may help someone else a little bit and that makes me happy!

  3. Tiffany says:

    Like another commenter mentioned–it sounds like you’ve found a way to make lemonade–good for you for working hard for you and your kids!

    And…I was so happy to see that you had 3 Cherie Call songs on your list! I went to high school with her! Love her music!

    • Ruth says:

      Oh.. I love Cherie Call! That’s so cool you know her… her CD came out right during this time of my life and I love the whole thing but particularly those songs really touched me. Life is just crazy sometimes and we do have to make lots of lemonade 🙂 xoxoxo

  4. Rebbekah says:

    Thank you. Very good advice indeed.

  5. Awe… thanks Jacquie! I try and I guess that’s half the battle, right?!

  6. I just have to say that Ruth knows what she is talking about. I have never seen a healthier co-parented family than hers, she is a true example of putting her children before bitterness. It has made her a compassionate amazing women.

  7. love the idea of a playlist. i am not getting divorced but a good playlist would probably help a lot with the things i am going through!

    • Ruth says:

      Hi! Jeanna… the playlist idea totally helps! I think about you all the time and hope that everything is still going well, wish we lived closer! Love you guys!!

  8. You are so amazing Ruthie!!! I think your words of advice can be applied to so many types of relationships. I was bummed I missed you guys. I should have my cast off in another month so hopefully we can get together once I’m walking again.

    • Ruth says:

      I’m so glad you’re almost healed up! What a rough deal for you… we will have to get together soon! Thanks for your comment and I completely agree that a lot of it can be applied to life in many ways 🙂 xoxoxo

  9. Camille says:

    Thanks for sharing, Ruthie! My husband is divorced and is definitely a situation where you can make lemonade with lemons.

Comments are closed.